Alright, please be warned that this is an angst-filled post. I don't like posting depressing things normally but I don't really have anyone in specific to talk to about these things so I'm just want to rant and throw it all out there.It's even worse than my depressing HSC year... but then if I think about it...the thing that happened during HSC was also caused by this.
So, just hear me out...or at least just let me rant my heart out. I understand that most people probably wouldn't understand how hard it's been.I'm not trying to get sympathy and I understand that a lot of people get it harder than I do but this is something I just want to let out. I really need it.
1) The first thing that's really bothering me is of course the stupid
construction thing that's been going on for over a year. I know it was put on indefinite-hiatus for a large duration of last year due to complaints etc and that it's out of our control, but seriously...the way it's dragging out is having a drastic effect on my life...
The granny flat in our backyard that we moved into is barely the size of our old living room. Sharing that tiny space with FIVE people is really, really hard especially since it's over a large period of time. I guess I should be thankful that my mum and dad spend some of the weekdays down in Canberra every week but that itself is a really big problem.
a) First of all, since I don't drive, if we (grandma, Jamie and I) run out of anything (such as milk, tissues, bread), I'm responsible for buying it. They said I don't have to...but am I really going make my grandma trek all the way down to buy groceries, when I, the perfectly healthy grand daughter can do it herself?
b) If I'm running late, there's no one to take me to uni/work and the train times here are terrible. And if I'm carrying boxes and boxes of stuff for uni, there's no one there to help me carry. This means that I have to walk to the train station carrying all that (sometimes even forgetting about a bag/box and leaving it on the train).
c) I'm responsible for my sister's education since my parents are not there. This means checking her homework and helping her with stuff she can't do. I've been slacking off a little lately because of all the stress but it's something I still have to do.
2) Now that the construction is finally wrapping up and we're ready to move in soon, a lot of the people who worked on the house (electricians etc) need to get paid. But we really can't pay them all at once! There's a lot of people coming around trying to ask for money/ get paid and it's just put a lot of
strain on the whole family. Lots of tension, lots of stress and lots of worrying. They say I don't need to worry about it...but seriously? How can I not?
3) Which leads to my third problem.
Money. When I started uni, I already decided to pay for all my uni expenses (fees/materials) myself. For some one like me in a design course, we have to buy large quantities of new equipments and materials (metal rods, tubes, timber, model-making stuff) and money is something that I do not have in abundance. That's always a big issue for me. Not having enough money to buy the things I need for uni. I use to be a shopaholic and buy things I don't even need...now I barely even spend money on myself other than design related stuff. Sure, I can borrow money off my parents...but their budget is tight enough as it is without me needing another $50 to buy timber...or another $40 to buy a bunch of watercolour paper. They've been paying for all my things for 19 years. It's about time I start taking responsibility for my own expenses. Plus, they're giving me a new room in the new house with its own bathroom. That's more than anyone can ask for (even though I haven't even moved in yet).
4)
Work. I work on my days off from morning to evening. I work after uni and sometimes before. Basically, I work as much as I can so that I have enough money to keep myself going through the semester. I'm trying really, really, really really hard. I enjoy work but it gets difficult sometimes. Last semester, I slacked off a bit, not being able to go because I wanted extra time to spend on my assignments...and my boss wasn't very happy with it. He was understanding but he didn't want me to continue that level of commitment. I don't want to lose this job...so this semester, I've been working as hard as I can. That means by the time I get home to actually start on my assignments, it would be around 7 to 8. As soon as I get home, I stuff a piece of bread in my mouth and start working. No procrastination. AND THAT'S SOMETHING seeing as I've been the Queen of Procrastination for the last 19 years. For the past few weeks, that's how it was. No procrastination...no relaxation...no sleep. What's even worse is that recently, I had to start my work much later because of issues with the council about the move and that means almost every night, I'd be working well past 12pm and into the next morning.
5) Uni work + Allnighters. It's a constant stream of work. 3 subjects and work for 2 of them with things due every week. 20 models, 20 diagrams PER SUBJECT on average. They just throw it at us every week expecting us to be able to do it. I guess I can...if I didn't have to work or worry about the things that happen around me at home but for me to be able to get through them means pulling all-nighters and getting sick the next day. I don't get it. Lots of people pull all nighters but they don't get sick. I do. I get nauseous. And I'm not even talking about a slight dizziness. I'm nauseous to the point where I feel like throwing up if I move at all. To counter that, I try to take a quick one hour nap after an all nighter right before going to uni but...so far it's not working out. I oversleep and when I wake up, I still feel as lousy as ever. Is it worth it? No.
I know I'm just making excuses for all the lousy performance but I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment where I'm trying to get use to the flow of all this. We're moving into our new house at the end of the month so that will make things much simpler from here on out. I stopped my tutoring job so that I have the weekends completely free and only have to focus one one job instead of two. And, no more all nighters for me. Or at least I'll try. Get everything done during the weekends (now that it's free) so that things are easier during the weekday. Okay. Good. That's good.
